Bollocks to Alton Towers: Uncommonly British Days Out

Intriguing title - I happen to like Alton Towers. It's not just Alton Towers the writers are disdainful towards but theme parks in general, along with any attraction that is purely about making money, always packed to the gills with tourists and doesn't inform or educate the visitor. Bollocks to Alton Towers is a compilation of 42 attractions within the UK that are unusual, unique and undervalued. The purpose of the book, it says in the introduction, is to highlight and celebrate the "underdogs of British tourism." The writers have endeavoured to only include those attractions that represent all that is British and have avoided attempting to recreate successful attractions in America in order to get the punters in. So we have places like the British Lawnmower Museum, Gnome Magic, Morpeth Bagpipe Museum and Peasholm Park Navel Warfare. Hm, thrilling. But that's the point; if you want thrills and spills, hustle and bustle and all the fun of the fair, then you'll find this book hard going. These attractions require a little more effort and imagination than your average tourist hotspot.

An alternative to Alton Towers - The book starts off with Blackgang Chine, Britain's oldest theme park, located in the Isle of Wight and set in over 40 acres of Victorian cliff-top gardens. I apparently went there when I was a child but I don't remember. The park is really for children and their parents because there's hardly any rides, just things like Giant Hedge Maze, Hall of Funny Mirrors, and The Crooked House in themed areas including Dinosaurland, Fantasyland and Nurseryland. Blackgang Chine is quintessentially British in that it's modest and understated. Because a British theme park proclaiming that it's the fastest and the best is "a faintly embarrassing spectacle, like a geography teacher bodypopping in a cowboy hat." I can definately see where they're coming from there. What the writers liked about Blackgang Chine was the lack of noise from rollercoasters and teenagers, which means a visit to the park is relaxing for the adults and, perhaps more importantly, stimulates children's imagination more than any rollercoaster could.

An alternative to Madame Tussaud's - Louis Tussaud's House of Wax, a waxworks museum in Great Yarmouth, Norfolk, that's been slaughtered by the press for its crapness. Like Blackgang Chine, the place is stuck in a time warp as the exhibits haven't been updated for fifteen years. The ones they've got are rather poor imitations of the celebrities they're supposed to represent. But the writers liked the museum for its ability to take the visitor on a trip down memory lane and for being a "traditional British seaside experience".

An alternative to Stonehenge - Avebury Stone Circle, about 20 miles from Stonehenge in Wiltshire. This massive site of around 28 acres isn't as famous as Stonehenge but it perhaps ought to be. The writers point out that you can actually interact with the stones themselves by walking amongst them, unlike at Stonehenge where you are kept well away from the monoliths. The overall experience at Avebury is therefore much more fulfilling.

Halstead et al. are an old-fashioned lot, which they are unapologetic about. Many of the attractions in Bollocks to Alton Towers are old-fashioned (or just plain ancient, see Avebury Stone Circle), but are part of a British heritage you want to continue. It would be a shame for attractions like these to die out. You may be interested enough in one or two places to go and visit them, but considering the broad range and quality of places on offer, that wouldn't be bad going.
As has been mentioned by previous reviewers, the photos are in black and white and don't exactly sell the attraction that's being written about. The book cannot get 5/5 because of this fact. Another gripe I have with the book is that there aren't any days out in the Midlands - not one. Although they're spread all over the British Isles, from Wadebridge in Cornwall to Dufftown in Banffshire, the Midlands seems to have been forgotten. I live in the East Midlands and the nearest day out for me is in either North Yorkshire or Norfolk. That's just not good enough!

do not read in public! (4/4 people found this helpful)

I found this book a tremendously funny, oh so accurate about the eccentricities of the British public, and should come with a warning `not to be read on public transport' for fear of embarrassing tears rolling down your cheeks. Best not to take it to Alton Towers too. Highly recommended.

weird but funny (9/9 people found this helpful)

This book, written by some very annoyed-sounding blokes with a wicked sense of humour, is a guide to Britain's less commercial, more eccentric attractions (pencil museum anyone?) as opposed to just slouching sheep-like off to alton towers or any other theme park where it's considered fun to get vomitted on.

The perfect antidote to the sickly-sweet disney version of "fun", this book lists weird and wonderful places where you can find you own entertainment without anyone telling you to "have a nice day!" or trying to spoon-feed you educational material. Have you, for instance, ever considered visiting the bagpipe museum in northern England or perhaps the ex-"SECRET NUCLEAR BUNKER" in Kent?

I especially enjoyed the entry for "The Ark": a house which isn't even open to the public but is recommended for the sole fact that if you drive past, one day you might catch a glimpse of Jesus (read the book if you want to know what I'm talking about).

Even if you do enjoy sitting in puke-encrusted rollercoasters, it's still worth buying this book for it's typical british humour - I did actually nearly wet myself in places.

Weird but funny (5/5 people found this helpful)

Brilliant! (8/9 people found this helpful)

As someone who often finds themselves in search of 'different' days out in Britain, this book served it's purpose beautifully. It's very funny, very British and very quirky. And we like that.

Jason Hazeley, Robin Halstead, Joel Morris, Alex Morris

Reader Reviews:

Highlights the less visited attractions in the UK (0/0 people found this helpful)

do not read in public! (4/4 people found this helpful)

weird but funny (9/9 people found this helpful)

Weird but funny (5/5 people found this helpful)

Brilliant! (8/9 people found this helpful)

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